Emotional Intelligence- Other Awareness

Being aware of other people goes beyond just acknowledging their physical presence anywhere we find them. Being aware of other people involves how we recognize and respond to their emotional states.

There are several ways to be aware of other people. You might have been doing some of them unconsciously but all of them can be taught and learnt.

I will discuss some of the ways of being aware of other people that I have learnt, practiced and seen work.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary¹, “Awareness” has to do with feeling, experiencing, or noticing something (such as a sound, sensation, or emotion). I would like to stretch this definition by adding that in the area of emotional intelligence, you must be able to achieve all of these at the same time, as it concerns relating with other people, hence, my submission that the ability to be aware of other people is the ability to CONNECT with them.

How do you go about connecting with other people?

MEET THEM: Meet them where they are if such an opportunity presents itself. The ability to be proactive in dealing with people is a most priced asset. However, you must not act proactively unless you have cues to that effect. It is usually better and more rewarding to meet people at the point of their need than the other way round.

SHOW EMPATHY: This is stretching being proactive a bit further. When you empathize with people, you are putting yourself in their shoes. It is your ability to identify the other person’s thoughts and feelings. However, it is important to understand the subtle difference between sympathy and empathy. While the former refers to how you feel about someone else; involving the use of an “I” sentence such as, “I feel sad about your husband’s illness”, the latter is the ability you have to demonstrate that you understand what another person is feeling and it involves a “YOU” sentence such as, “You must be feeling angry about what that woman said to you”².

LEAVE PREJUDICE: Nothing lowers expectations from, and the ability to connect with others genuinely than judgments and opinions you form about them before meeting them. Prejudice is a wall between you and others. The only way of dismantling this wall is with an open mind. Without being open minded, you cannot connect with people.

ADD VALUE: Nobody will want to waste their time with someone who will not help them appreciate in value. You will be the darling of anybody in whose life you constantly add value and who anticipates you’re bringing value to their life. You can add value in words and concrete actions.

STAY CONNECTED: If you move the dial on a radio set, you will move frequencies and transmissions coming from radio stations. Reinforce the connections you have with others by remaining on the same frequency as they.

Be inspired!

Remain Motivated!

References:

Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Android Application.

Stein, J.S (2009) Emotional Intelligence for Dummies. John Wiley & Sons Ltd, Canada.

Emotional Intelligence- Self Management

In the last article, we looked at self-awareness as an emotional intelligence competence. We saw that there are three questions you must answer to be on your way to self-awareness- who am i? Where am i? What matters to me? This is where it starts, and from here, we transit to self -management.

What does it mean to manage self?

Self-management is the ability to manage your emotions so they don’t become a stumbling block on your way to success. This ability will help you turn your emotion into an asset. Emotion wrongly handled can become a liability.

According to Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006), you need the following for effective self-management:

     i.          Mood management

   ii.          Self-motivation

 iii.          Dealing with setbacks

 iv.          Using your intuition

   v.          Managing your energy

 vi.          Dealing with stress

vii.          Avoiding depression and addictive behaviour

Mood Management

Your mood is your conscious state of mind or predominant emotion (Marriam-Webster’s Dictionary and Thesaurus). If you have the mood that’s most productive for your work or other areas of your life, you feel like you are in control instead of being controlled. Feeling that sense of control improves your attitude towards your job and life in general.

Self-Motivation

This is a very useful tool in self-management. Since motivation is the ability to remain in motion, it is important to develop this competence. Utilizing the power and energy of one’s emotions leads to high motivation, and improves problem solving and decision making.

Dealing with setbacks

For effective self-management, you must be able to deal with those periods when there are backward movements instead of forward motion. Unless you have resigned to a state of hopelessness and utter helplessness, review the experience of the setback; learn what is supportive as you look into the future.

Using your intuition

Your intuition is that ability that comes to you once in a while for quick and ready insight. It is an ability that can be very useful when you have to make decisions on the spot or be creative. It is an ability you need for effective self-management.

Managing your energy

Energy sets things in motion and also halts things in motion. It creates and re-creates and can be an agent of destruction; interestingly, energy exists everywhere even in you. The implication of this is that with energy comes responsibility, that is, the ability to manage it for productivity and performance.

Dealing with stress

One way of looking at stress that I’ve come to appreciate a lot is by Dr Concorde’s definition of it using a formula. The formula is:

It can be interpreted to mean that stress arises when the demands on and within the human system exceed resources in any given timeframe. Struggling to deliver when clearly the demands on you is not up to your ability to deliver will create a dysfunction in your interior and exterior with dire consequences.

Avoiding depression and addictive behaviour

Depression hurts.  it’s  the  "black  dog"  of  the night that  robs you of  joy,  the  unquiet  mind that  keeps you  awake.  It’s a  noonday  demon  that  only  you  can  see,  the  darkness  visible  only to  you. A depressed person is emotionally unintelligent. He can harm himself or someone else. On the other hand, addiction, which is a close relative of depression, can be described as behaviour motivated by emotions that leads from cravings to compulsion and loss of control over behaviour. Imagine the things that could happen to one if one losses control over one’s behaviour.

These are the ingredients you need for self-management which is an emotional intelligence competence that comes after being self-aware.

Be inspired!

Remain Motivated!

Reference

Cafourek J. (2009) Breaking Free From Addiction. The Good News Magazine.

Caldwell S. and Gravett L. (2009) Using Your Emotional Intelligence To Develop Others. Palgrave Macmillan, New York.

Hornor N. (1998) Breaking Free From Addiction. The GoodNews Magazine.

Neale S. et al (2009) Emotional Intelligence Coaching: Improving performance for Leaders, Coaches and the Individual. Kogan Page, London.

Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence, John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

Schurman S. (2004) How to Stop Depression Now. Sursel Internet Marketing, LLC.

Stein S. (2009) Emotional Intelligence for Dummies. John Wiley and Sons, Canada

Williams M, et al (2007) The Mindful Way Through Depression. The Guilford Press, New York.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- Self Awareness

 

Peak performers in every area of life know that external success is preceded by internal triumph. That is, you win inside of you before you win outside of you. Your feelings and thoughts must agree that high level of productivity and performance is possible before it will happen. Self awareness is very important because emotional intelligence begins from there.

To be effective in helping their organizations manage change, leaders first need to be aware of and manage their own feelings of anxiety and uncertainty (Bunker, 1997).

Self awareness demands intimate and accurate knowledge of one’s self and one’s emotions. It also demands understanding and predicting one’s emotional reactions to situations while being aware of one’s values and core beliefs and the impact and effect of compromising them.

To be self aware, ask yourself these three questions:

1.   Who am I?

2.   Where am I?

3.   What matters to me? (Sparrow, T. and Knight, A., 2006).

WHO AM I? The answer to this question defines your purpose. ‘Who you are’ is a question whose answer is a solution to a problem. Without asking yourself this question and properly answering it, you become the problem; which implies you cannot act in an emotionally intelligent manner because what you feel and think will produce results that will bring you on a collision course with the people around you, thereby stifling productivity.

WHERE AM I? Can a fish survive on land? Obviously it can’t because it is a fish. It is properly designed for where it should be- the water. Does where you are suit who you are? If it doesn’t, you’ll find it uncomfortable staying there, acting in an emotionally unintelligent manner and feeling generally irritable because square pegs fitted into round holes create friction, cracks and sometimes permanent damage.

WHAT MATTERS TO ME? What are your core values and beliefs, what are the things you cannot trade for all the money at the Central Bank?! Compromising on them will affect the way you feel, think and act.

Unfortunately, these are questions we seldom ask ourselves as some of us are content just gliding through life without control.

The process of asking yourself these questions could be quite a challenging task to carry out because it requires immense discipline which many of us are not used to. Yet, it is the most fulfilling and rewarding venture you’ll undertake because it is a process that introduces you to your true self and not the masquerade you pretend to be. Remember that you need an intimate and accurate knowledge of yourself to act in an emotionally intelligent way.

Identifying your highest meaning will enable you to realize your potential. And living through your meaning, purpose or potential facilitates a state of wellbeing, of experiencing being fully alive (Sparrow, T. and Knight, A., 2006).

In the next article I’ll discuss the emotional intelligence competence that comes after this-SELF MANAGEMENT.

Till then…

 

Be Inspired!

Remain Motivated!

 

REFERENCES

1.   Bunker, K. A. (1997). The Power of Vulnerability in Contemporary Leadership. Consulting Psychology Journal, 49(2). Quoted in Cherniss, C. and Goleman, D. (2001). The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

2.   Cherniss, C. and Goleman, D. (2001). The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

3.   Deutschendorf, H. (2009). The Other Kind of Smart. New York: AMACOM.

4.   Lynn, A. (2000). 50 Activities for Developing Emotional Intelligence. Amherst: HRD Press.

5.   Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence. England: John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- Beyond IQ

Do you take pride in having a very powerful cognitive ability or IQ? You find that ‘A’ students are usually the superstars on campus. Being able to think problems through and provide solutions gives you an air of importance and makes you highly sought after. Of course you have the right to brag about your ability to think and produce results but the extent to which your usefulness can be sustained goes beyond your IQ. Peak performers consistently incorporate feeling into their thinking and doing.

In essence, beyond being able to pass your tests and exams and being able to apply your cognitive or brain power in school or workplace and perceived as SMART, there is another kind of SMART that is a major determinant of performance and productivity.

It is so important that organizations are spending a lot to educate its members about it. Leaders and all those interested in peak performance are paying very close attention to it because it might proof to be the difference between where they are and where they hope to be. This other kind of SMART is called EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EI).

John is the guy to run to if you have any problem in the office. His technical ability on the job is spot-on and this has earned him very rapid ascent in his career. But one day he did a favour for a colleague in the customer services section of the organization who didn’t say ‘thank you’ (it has always been the norm for those who get help from him to recognize and appreciate it and it brings him immense satisfaction and personal pride). This ‘act of ingratitude’ infuriated John who stormed to her office and demanded to be appreciated. His co-worker found it unusual that John was demanding to be recognized for a favour he did for her. As far as she was concerned, he was only doing his job. She didn’t yield to his demands. This set off a chain of verbal vituperation on her from John in the presence of other colleagues and clients. She didn’t take it lightly and promptly reported the ugly incidence to management. John has since been placed on suspension and it is looking very unlikely that he will be called back.

This is a scenario that is played out often in organizations. John could have been a very competent technical person but he fell flat on emotional intelligence and this cost him his job. His colleague also displayed gross emotional incapacity.

Emotional intelligence is the habitual practice of:

·      using emotional information from ourselves and other people;

·      integrating this with our thinking;

·      using this to inform our decision making to help us get what we want from the immediate situation and from life in general.

To act in an emotionally intelligent way as specified above, you must fulfill the following criteria:

a)   You must be self-aware. Self-awareness helps you become effective in SELF-MANAGEMENT.

b)  You must also be socially-aware i.e. aware of other people. This helps you become effective in RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

SELF-AWARENESS→SELF-MANAGEMENT→SOCIAL-AWARENESS→RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Emotional intelligence is a huge body of knowledge that can’t be contained in one article. Not even in the month of February will I be able to do a complete analysis of it. But I’ll go as far as I can.

In the next article, I will talk about SELF-AWARENESS.

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Reference

Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence, John Wiley & Sons Ltd.