Emotional Intelligence- Self Management

In the last article, we looked at self-awareness as an emotional intelligence competence. We saw that there are three questions you must answer to be on your way to self-awareness- who am i? Where am i? What matters to me? This is where it starts, and from here, we transit to self -management.

What does it mean to manage self?

Self-management is the ability to manage your emotions so they don’t become a stumbling block on your way to success. This ability will help you turn your emotion into an asset. Emotion wrongly handled can become a liability.

According to Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006), you need the following for effective self-management:

     i.          Mood management

   ii.          Self-motivation

 iii.          Dealing with setbacks

 iv.          Using your intuition

   v.          Managing your energy

 vi.          Dealing with stress

vii.          Avoiding depression and addictive behaviour

Mood Management

Your mood is your conscious state of mind or predominant emotion (Marriam-Webster’s Dictionary and Thesaurus). If you have the mood that’s most productive for your work or other areas of your life, you feel like you are in control instead of being controlled. Feeling that sense of control improves your attitude towards your job and life in general.

Self-Motivation

This is a very useful tool in self-management. Since motivation is the ability to remain in motion, it is important to develop this competence. Utilizing the power and energy of one’s emotions leads to high motivation, and improves problem solving and decision making.

Dealing with setbacks

For effective self-management, you must be able to deal with those periods when there are backward movements instead of forward motion. Unless you have resigned to a state of hopelessness and utter helplessness, review the experience of the setback; learn what is supportive as you look into the future.

Using your intuition

Your intuition is that ability that comes to you once in a while for quick and ready insight. It is an ability that can be very useful when you have to make decisions on the spot or be creative. It is an ability you need for effective self-management.

Managing your energy

Energy sets things in motion and also halts things in motion. It creates and re-creates and can be an agent of destruction; interestingly, energy exists everywhere even in you. The implication of this is that with energy comes responsibility, that is, the ability to manage it for productivity and performance.

Dealing with stress

One way of looking at stress that I’ve come to appreciate a lot is by Dr Concorde’s definition of it using a formula. The formula is:

It can be interpreted to mean that stress arises when the demands on and within the human system exceed resources in any given timeframe. Struggling to deliver when clearly the demands on you is not up to your ability to deliver will create a dysfunction in your interior and exterior with dire consequences.

Avoiding depression and addictive behaviour

Depression hurts.  it’s  the  "black  dog"  of  the night that  robs you of  joy,  the  unquiet  mind that  keeps you  awake.  It’s a  noonday  demon  that  only  you  can  see,  the  darkness  visible  only to  you. A depressed person is emotionally unintelligent. He can harm himself or someone else. On the other hand, addiction, which is a close relative of depression, can be described as behaviour motivated by emotions that leads from cravings to compulsion and loss of control over behaviour. Imagine the things that could happen to one if one losses control over one’s behaviour.

These are the ingredients you need for self-management which is an emotional intelligence competence that comes after being self-aware.

Be inspired!

Remain Motivated!

Reference

Cafourek J. (2009) Breaking Free From Addiction. The Good News Magazine.

Caldwell S. and Gravett L. (2009) Using Your Emotional Intelligence To Develop Others. Palgrave Macmillan, New York.

Hornor N. (1998) Breaking Free From Addiction. The GoodNews Magazine.

Neale S. et al (2009) Emotional Intelligence Coaching: Improving performance for Leaders, Coaches and the Individual. Kogan Page, London.

Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence, John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

Schurman S. (2004) How to Stop Depression Now. Sursel Internet Marketing, LLC.

Stein S. (2009) Emotional Intelligence for Dummies. John Wiley and Sons, Canada

Williams M, et al (2007) The Mindful Way Through Depression. The Guilford Press, New York.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- Self Awareness

 

Peak performers in every area of life know that external success is preceded by internal triumph. That is, you win inside of you before you win outside of you. Your feelings and thoughts must agree that high level of productivity and performance is possible before it will happen. Self awareness is very important because emotional intelligence begins from there.

To be effective in helping their organizations manage change, leaders first need to be aware of and manage their own feelings of anxiety and uncertainty (Bunker, 1997).

Self awareness demands intimate and accurate knowledge of one’s self and one’s emotions. It also demands understanding and predicting one’s emotional reactions to situations while being aware of one’s values and core beliefs and the impact and effect of compromising them.

To be self aware, ask yourself these three questions:

1.   Who am I?

2.   Where am I?

3.   What matters to me? (Sparrow, T. and Knight, A., 2006).

WHO AM I? The answer to this question defines your purpose. ‘Who you are’ is a question whose answer is a solution to a problem. Without asking yourself this question and properly answering it, you become the problem; which implies you cannot act in an emotionally intelligent manner because what you feel and think will produce results that will bring you on a collision course with the people around you, thereby stifling productivity.

WHERE AM I? Can a fish survive on land? Obviously it can’t because it is a fish. It is properly designed for where it should be- the water. Does where you are suit who you are? If it doesn’t, you’ll find it uncomfortable staying there, acting in an emotionally unintelligent manner and feeling generally irritable because square pegs fitted into round holes create friction, cracks and sometimes permanent damage.

WHAT MATTERS TO ME? What are your core values and beliefs, what are the things you cannot trade for all the money at the Central Bank?! Compromising on them will affect the way you feel, think and act.

Unfortunately, these are questions we seldom ask ourselves as some of us are content just gliding through life without control.

The process of asking yourself these questions could be quite a challenging task to carry out because it requires immense discipline which many of us are not used to. Yet, it is the most fulfilling and rewarding venture you’ll undertake because it is a process that introduces you to your true self and not the masquerade you pretend to be. Remember that you need an intimate and accurate knowledge of yourself to act in an emotionally intelligent way.

Identifying your highest meaning will enable you to realize your potential. And living through your meaning, purpose or potential facilitates a state of wellbeing, of experiencing being fully alive (Sparrow, T. and Knight, A., 2006).

In the next article I’ll discuss the emotional intelligence competence that comes after this-SELF MANAGEMENT.

Till then…

 

Be Inspired!

Remain Motivated!

 

REFERENCES

1.   Bunker, K. A. (1997). The Power of Vulnerability in Contemporary Leadership. Consulting Psychology Journal, 49(2). Quoted in Cherniss, C. and Goleman, D. (2001). The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

2.   Cherniss, C. and Goleman, D. (2001). The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

3.   Deutschendorf, H. (2009). The Other Kind of Smart. New York: AMACOM.

4.   Lynn, A. (2000). 50 Activities for Developing Emotional Intelligence. Amherst: HRD Press.

5.   Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence. England: John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- Beyond IQ

Do you take pride in having a very powerful cognitive ability or IQ? You find that ‘A’ students are usually the superstars on campus. Being able to think problems through and provide solutions gives you an air of importance and makes you highly sought after. Of course you have the right to brag about your ability to think and produce results but the extent to which your usefulness can be sustained goes beyond your IQ. Peak performers consistently incorporate feeling into their thinking and doing.

In essence, beyond being able to pass your tests and exams and being able to apply your cognitive or brain power in school or workplace and perceived as SMART, there is another kind of SMART that is a major determinant of performance and productivity.

It is so important that organizations are spending a lot to educate its members about it. Leaders and all those interested in peak performance are paying very close attention to it because it might proof to be the difference between where they are and where they hope to be. This other kind of SMART is called EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EI).

John is the guy to run to if you have any problem in the office. His technical ability on the job is spot-on and this has earned him very rapid ascent in his career. But one day he did a favour for a colleague in the customer services section of the organization who didn’t say ‘thank you’ (it has always been the norm for those who get help from him to recognize and appreciate it and it brings him immense satisfaction and personal pride). This ‘act of ingratitude’ infuriated John who stormed to her office and demanded to be appreciated. His co-worker found it unusual that John was demanding to be recognized for a favour he did for her. As far as she was concerned, he was only doing his job. She didn’t yield to his demands. This set off a chain of verbal vituperation on her from John in the presence of other colleagues and clients. She didn’t take it lightly and promptly reported the ugly incidence to management. John has since been placed on suspension and it is looking very unlikely that he will be called back.

This is a scenario that is played out often in organizations. John could have been a very competent technical person but he fell flat on emotional intelligence and this cost him his job. His colleague also displayed gross emotional incapacity.

Emotional intelligence is the habitual practice of:

·      using emotional information from ourselves and other people;

·      integrating this with our thinking;

·      using this to inform our decision making to help us get what we want from the immediate situation and from life in general.

To act in an emotionally intelligent way as specified above, you must fulfill the following criteria:

a)   You must be self-aware. Self-awareness helps you become effective in SELF-MANAGEMENT.

b)  You must also be socially-aware i.e. aware of other people. This helps you become effective in RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

SELF-AWARENESS→SELF-MANAGEMENT→SOCIAL-AWARENESS→RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT

Emotional intelligence is a huge body of knowledge that can’t be contained in one article. Not even in the month of February will I be able to do a complete analysis of it. But I’ll go as far as I can.

In the next article, I will talk about SELF-AWARENESS.

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Reference

Sparrow, T. and Knight, A. (2006) Applied Emotional Intelligence- The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence, John Wiley & Sons Ltd.

14 THINGS YOU MUST DO IN 2014

1.   LEAVE THE FAILURES OF 2013

You cannot make any meaningful progress this year without leaving the failures of 2013. Those expectations unmet, targets not hit, hopes dashed and opportunities unprepared for are better left in 2013. This New Year presents an opportunity to begin again more intelligently by putting to use, lessons learnt from your failures. Of course once in a while these failings pop up in your mind and try to rattle the peace you have, but you have to find a way to keep them where they truly belong- in the past. This you will not be able to do if you are not productively engaged at the moment; keep in mind that “losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future”- Denis Waitely

2.   MAKE A PLAN FOR 2014

 Don’t join the bandwagon that just makes superfluous, superficial and shallow statements for the New Year in the name of resolutions-resolutions are more than statements made in the ecstasy, euphoria and magic that accompanies the entering of a New Year for some people- (Read my articles on RESOLUTIONS). Sit down with a pen, paper and your very active mind and properly map out what your goal for the year will be. As you do this, you will find that “the goal shapes the plan; the plan sets the action; the action achieves the result; and the result brings success. And it all begins with the simple word GOAL”- Shad Helmsetter. Ensure that the goals you set for yourself in 2014 are:

Specific Measurable Attainable Relevant Time-bound (S.M.A.R.T)

Though traditional management principles teach that goals be SMART, John Adair has stretched the concept by adding ER thus making goals _SMARTER. That is, apart from your goals satisfying the SMART conditions, it must be Evaluated and Reviewed periodically. So much has been said on goal setting but remember that “plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work”- Peter Drucker

3.   BE FINANCIALLY PRUDENT

Don’t be carried away by fads because they fade away. Fashion in no time becomes unfashionable and indulgencies could be intoxicating. Commit your financial resources only to those things that are absolutely necessary and prevent holes appearing in your pocket. Determine that a certain percentage of your income will be saved (no matter how difficult it is to save or how ‘small’ the percentage to be saved is) and be disciplined enough to stick to the plan.

Don’t compete with those who are more financially buoyant than you are in ostentatious display, it’s a race you won’t win but will end up drained. Remain true to yourself even as you strive for an improvement in your finances in 2014.

4.   LIVE INTENTIONALLY

It will be a fatal mistake to just glide through 2014 anyhow. In every aspect of your life, you should be seen to be functioning with intent, definitiveness and purpose.  Be intentional with your life as a parent, live intentionally as a student. In your career, work intentionally. This way, you will eliminate haphazardness and clumsiness that lead to unfulfillment and failure.  Living with intent or purpose will help you take decisions (out of so many options) that are strategically relevant to your goals and objectives thereby making your attention more focused and concentrated. Refer to my article on PURPOSE.

5.   ASK QUESTIONS

According to a Chinese proverb, he who asks questions is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask questions is a fool forever. As you set out to put your goals and plans to work in 2014, you will come up against perplexing issues some of which can only be resolved when you ask questions. Asking questions open up new frontiers for you, adds perspective to the insights you already have and makes the horizon less fussy. It is instructive to note that “when you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it is time to die”- Lillian Smith. Asking questions takes you beyond the surface of issues into their underlying causes, consequences and possible answers. Asking questions sometimes could be difficult especially if you think you ought to have known the answers to such questions before asking them; yet these questions have to be asked because progress has to be made in 2014 and beyond.

6.   ADD VALUE TO YOURSELF

a)             If you are a parent, learn how to be a better parent (read more books on parenting, listen to and watch more radio/TV programs on parenting, attend seminars {secular or faith based} on parenting, ask questions, etc).

b)             In your career, resolve to be better this year. You can do a better job as a marketer, auto mechanic, food vendor, accountant, lawyer, brand expert, etc by reading more books, listening to more audios, attending more workshops and training whether at the organizational or personal level.

You are a human capital asset; to remain useful and relevant, you must appreciate in value. The more you appreciate in value, the better chance you stand of taking advantage of the opportunities that will come your way. This however demands effort on your part, and this you must be committed to in 2014.

7.   GO THE EXTRA MILE

Don’t be contented doing the minimum required. Go the extra mile and add to that minimum. This is how high achievers are distinguished from ordinary ones. Go the extra mile in your home, career, organization, church, mosque, and community. Whether your effort is appreciated or not, go the extra mile because in so doing, you add to your self-worth and increase your market value. Execute seemingly small tasks in big ways and you’ll be set apart from the pack. “I have discovered that the extra mile is a vast unpopulated wasteland. Most people who go there think, ‘wait…no one else is here…why am I doing this?’ and leave. Make the extra phone call. Send the extra mail. Do the extra research. Don’t wait to be asked, offer. Every time you do something, think of one extra thing you can do”- Kamani.

Go the extra mile in 2014

8.   GUARD YOUR DOORWAY

Protect your mind from contaminating influences. Your mind is the seat of your power. Your power is your ability to do work. There is no action or work you do (good or bad) that doesn’t pass through your mind. I want you to resolve in 2014 to allow only those thoughts that will prompt you to take positive, creative and life enhancing actions to pass through your mind while erecting a big roadblock against the rest. You have a life because you have a mind and you have a productive life because you have a productive mind and vice versa; guard the entrance to your mind.

9.   COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

A heart that shows gratitude is a heart with great attitude. How would you feel if you gave a child food and after eating, the child breaks the plate that was used to serve him deliberately because to him, the food was not enough? In 2014, learn to say ‘thank you’ for little and big favours you receive. Don’t diminish the value of what you have now because of expectations that were not met or the ones you are doubting your ability to meet because in the end, “it is not what you don’t have that limits you, it is what you have that you don’t use or appreciate”- Steve Harris (Words not in italics are mine). Don’t diminish the value of your children, job, health, family, colleagues, neighbours or country by what they aren’t, appreciate them for whom and what they are and the opportunity they give you to be a better person.

Count your blessings in 2014.

10.                   LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE

It is very natural and human to make mistakes although some of them are so costly we would almost kill ourselves for committing them. Yet that is not where it ends. In 2014 you will make lots of mistakes (big or small) but resolve not to repeat any of them. In other words, learn from your mistakes. Examine why the goal you set out to achieve became a mistake instead. Interestingly, some mistakes can be avoided if you can simply learn from those who have committed them. This is the wisdom Roy H. Williams shared when he said “a smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether”.

11.                   BE YOUR OWN PERSON

As much as it is good to share with others, it is equally important that in sharing you are not just a consumer, taking from others; with nothing of value they can take from you. If you are persistently a consumer, your dependency nature will constitute a nuisance value to others with the attendant disrespect and total disregard they will have towards you. Be your own man/woman. Learn to stand on your own two legs; else you will have nothing but a baby value. Refuse to be pampered and cuddled when you should be in the position to pamper and cuddle; it will do you no good because “until you accept responsibility for your life, someone else runs your life”- Orin Woodward.

Be your own person in 2014.

12.                   MASTER YOUR FEARS

Fear and courage are states of the mind that we experience as humans. You are not less human when you feel fear because “fear makes us feel our humanity”- Benjamin Disraeli. The difference between one who is fearful and another who is courageous is that the later has found a way to master his fears while the former is mastered by his fear(s). In 2014, master your fears. ‘But how?’ you may ask. Well, very briefly “fear is a question. What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, your fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if you explore them”- Marilyn Ferguson.

13.                   KILL PROCRASTINATION

“Procrastination is the habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday”- Napoleon Hill. In 2014, kill this thief of time by cultivating the habit of seizing the moment. Don’t postpone to tomorrow what you know you can and should do now, because in the end “procrastination makes easy things hard and hard things harder”- Mason Cooley

To overcome procrastination, you need to replace it with superior habits that eventually become part of your personality- these habits are focus and concentration. But then “you need three key qualities to develop the habits of focus and concentration. They are all learnable. They are: decision (to develop the habit of task completion), discipline (to learn those habits) and determination (until the habit becomes a permanent part of your personality)”- Brian Tracy

14.                   RAISE YOUR SPIRITUAL ANTENNA

Be a better Christian if you are one and a better Muslim if that is your faith. Solutions to some problems in life will only come if you are spiritually fit hence; do not outsource your spiritual responsibility to those you think are more spiritually mature. Doing that will make you more spiritually weak. Wayne W. Dayer, quoted by Seyi Wright in his book “Choose to Make a Difference” gives three steps for accessing what he referred to as ‘spiritual direction’.

a)   RECOGNITION- There must first be recognition of an invisible spiritual force that can be put to use in solving problems.

b)   REALIZATION- acknowledging the power that is within you to receive divine guidance.

c)   REVERENCE- communing quietly with the spiritual force at work within you.

Raise your spiritual antenna in 2014.

I hope these nuggets have helped. You can contact me directly to expand on them on 08034618891, 07054243732 and akpaemeka@gmail.com

Be Inspired!

Remain Motivated!

REFERENCES

Tracy, B. (2007). Eat that frog. California: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.

Wright, S. (2007). Choose to make a difference. Lagos: Bluebird communications Ltd.