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Saturday, 11 August 2012

Empathic Sympathy 2

Let me start from where we left off last week.

In communicating, in reaching out to other people or better still, in the quest of other people (your friends, business associates, children, husband, wife, brother, sister, neighbor, etc) to be reached out to by you, would you rather sympathize or empathize?

Permit me to share with you some lessons I’ve learnt from reading Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and John Maxwell’s Everyone Communicate, Few Connect to help you move to the next level in your relationships across board.

First of all, it is pertinent that we understand a principle that will help us connect and reach people with results that will further enhance our bond:

Seek first to understand

Then be understood

What this means is that we have to make serious effort (that is what it takes- effort) to see the world from other people’s perspective. We must not cajole (from a selfish point), force (because we are more powerful) or intimidate others to come to agreement with us. Lasting relationships are not built that way. Unfortunately this principle has been flouted by so many of us, especially those of us who should know and the result has been broken relationships, separations in mind and proximity all of which can be avoided by simply seeking first to understand before being understood.

Once you come to understand that communication is not all about you but also that other person and that s/he is the starting point, success is guaranteed.

In John Maxwell’s Everyone Communicate, Few Connect, communicating to connect is in:

1. Words

2. Tone of voice

3. Body language

The reason many of us record minimal success in our relationships is that somehow we have limited communication to just words, what about tone of voice, does it tell you anything? What about body language, what do you understand from it?

An empathic communicator is the one who hears beyond words, he is spoken to with the body language and can connect with the tone of voice.

What does it take to be an empathic communicator? I’ll explain this in the next issue. In the meantime don’t forget that if we have been seeing the world with our perfect eyeglasses, the next person might find it useless trying to see with those same glasses. That the glasses fit you perfectly does not mean it will fit me.

Seek first to understand, then be understood.

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Friday, 3 August 2012

EMPATHIC SYMPATHY 1

With the death of the former president of Ghana, John Mills on July 24^th and the subsequent outpouring of emotion all across the country, I decided to find out more about the difference(s) between these two words that I had hitherto found confusing and in some cases interchangeably used- Sympathy & Empathy- and find out which of these was being expressed by most of the people.

Here’s what I found out:

When we say we are expressing sympathy towards another, it is a feeling of sorrow for the person’s pain. It doesn’t go beyond ‘sorry’ here and there and that ends it. In fact, the whole world can express sympathy towards whomever they choose to from wherever without ever having a physical presence (they did so when John Mills died) showing that sympathizers are not necessarily close (they might be in physical proximity but far in mind and heart connection).

Sympathetic people might communicate but they don’t connect. They exhibit superficial attention.

On the other hand, empathy reaches beyond the surface. It is the ability to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings and emotions. The process of identification is intellectual while feeling indicate emotion hence, empathy deals with not just a show of feelings but a deep understanding of the person emotionally and intellectually.

In some cases though, the most we can show or express towards someone else’s suffering is sympathy.

But in communication, in reaching out to other people or better still in the quest of other people to be reached out to by you, which of these will be more appropriate, how and why?

Let’s continue this discussion next week…

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Photo Credit:

www.gettyimages.com

Friday, 27 July 2012

THE P.D.P OF LIFE

Thank you for reading my blogs! I hope you are inspired.

The last issue we dealt with was on purpose. However, there are two other ingredients that will help you make the most of life if you take them seriously alongside purpose. Let's talk about them in this issue...

The life of Elisha and his work with Elijah especially the part leading up to the taking away of Elijah (The Bible book of 2nd Kings chapter 2) was marked with what I would term the PDP of life.

· P- Purpose: this is the vision or goal you want to reach in life. In the case of Elisha, his purpose or goal was the double portion of the spirit of his master, Elisha. This goal burnt so deep inside of him that he accompanied his master up to the point and place where he reached his goal and his dream came through. In other words, Elisha did not stop searching for his true identity and the meaning of the life he was living (or supposed to read) until he found.

· D- Determination: this is the driver of your vision or goal. For Elisha NOTHING was strong or influential enough to stop him from achieving his desired goal. Even when the sons of the prophets tried to shift his focus and make him loose his purpose, he didn't give in. Attempts from even his master did not stop him. His determination to get what he wanted kept him in his place of assignment and when the ultimate test came i.e. the chariots and horses of fire that separated him from Elijah, he still did not lose focus- HE WAS DETERMINED. Be determined, this will give you a platform to stand on in your place of assignment.

· P- Perseverance: this is what keeps you in your place of assignment. Hold on. If you're sure you're in the right place of your being, nothing should be strong enough to dissuade you because you have perseverance. Elisha persevered when he should have given up. He would have had a lot of reasons why he wouldn't be able to reach his set target, goal or dream but he refused to let these reasons rule him. Instead he suppressed them with the words of his mouth. What do you have in your mouth? How much of God's word is in you that you can let out when trying circumstances arise? It is the word that can keep you in your place of assignment because it was the word that brought you there; that's if you are sure.

In the next two issues, i'll be dealing extensively on determination and perseverance.

Have a wonderful day!

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Photo Credit

www.gettyimages.com

Thursday, 19 July 2012

PURPOSE

Now let’s talk about purpose…

What is your purpose in life? This question has sent so many minds to serious soul searching. It is the most important question to answer in life yet it is the least attended to by people for fear of the unknown. Are you living your life or an already scripted one from childhood? Purpose is a call to live your life.

In the words of Napoleon Hill, “there is one quality that one must possess to win and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it”.

Stretching Napoleon Hill’s thought above, I would like to submit to you that to discover your life purpose is to ask yourself the very important question- “who am I?” Lots of people have spent both time and money attending seminars and workshops with the hope of picking up their life purpose somewhere. The problem with this way of looking for your purpose is that it reduces it to just “a thing”. When you see your purpose in life as an object lost that has to be found, it makes it very difficult to be grasped. Sometimes it is frustrating looking for it.

Who are you? Please take out some time to answer this question. At the core of your being, what do you see as your unique contribution to your generation?

To discover your life purpose is to tell yourself who you are (let’s call it ‘self leadership’) and to know where in life you are needed will cause you to properly apply yourself (let’s call this one ‘self management’), Stephen Covey would say self management follows self leadership. It is not enough in and of itself to discover your purpose; you have to know where in life you are needed.

What are the things you have tried doing with your life? I won’t be surprised if you’re reading this piece but yet to have ever done anything by and for yourself. In other words, you are comfortably acting out the scripts of life written for you by someone else; perhaps your parents, society or a close family member and you have been struggling to act out this script.

In other to answer the question of who you are and what your contribution to life is (which is the sum of your purpose), you have to leave your comfort zone, your secured location and explore the world for and by yourself.

After all purpose is the reason for YOUR existence (‘existence’ is what you will find in the dictionary, please replace it with ‘living’, it makes it more wholesome).

Have a wonderful day!

Be inspired!

Remain motivated!

Saturday, 14 July 2012

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

After a speaking engagement somewhere, someone walked up to me and wanted to know how he could speak like me. He said he enjoyed the energy and passion I exuded and would like to see himself that way.

Well, I told him first of all that I wasn’t born that way. I learnt to speak in public. The next thing I told him was that he shouldn’t try speaking like me, he should always try being himself and then I went on to share the following with him:

· I told him that the first step in speaking before an audience comes from having a message for them. You have no business being in their presence without a reason why;

· I went on to tell him that the messenger is as important as the message he carries. You need to work on yourself as a message carrier- your vocabulary, physical appearance, knowledge base, confidence level and so on;

· In addition I pointed out to him that as long as he could stand confidently before me (as an individual) to chat, he could do the same before an audience. One of the top secrets of public speakers is that they see their audience as made up of one person and they go ahead to converse with them in that light.

Everything else about public speaking revolves around the above three.

I have met and heard so many people conclude that they can and will never open their mouth before an audience to say anything. The problem with those who hold this line of reasoning is that they see those who do it as haven fallen from the skies, a special breed of humans. It is not so. I am an example of one of those who jettisoned that line of thinking.

My friend whose experience I was relating earlier and a number of others that I have shared the above three pillars of my public speaking engagements have gone on to open their mouths in public. They have refused fear holding them back, they have rejected the opinion that only a selected few can open their mouth in public, they are enjoying it and are craving for more.

Finally friend, if you think you are just too bad to open your mouth in public, know that great speakers were as bad as or worse than you are.

So get up and seize that opportunity to open your mouth!

Friday, 13 July 2012

FLIP FLIP (2)

Thank you for reading my blogs. In FLIP FLIP (1) I aroused your interest in reading by pointing out benefits derivable from it.

In this concluding part I’ll try to address some of the concerns raised earlier.

Personally, my reading culture grew and has remained healthy because of one guiding principle- PURPOSE. I always ask myself why and what I should spend time reading when there are other things I could be doing. I have come to answer these questions based on what I have found myself doing (which is what I have always longed to do, inspiring and motivating people like you with both the spoken and written word). Haven answered the ‘why’ I should read, I am hence directed to the ‘what’ I should read. For instance, outside books on Economics (which is my academic discipline) I read books that help me communicate better; books that will enable me enrich more lives as a speaker, teacher, coach and mentor.

Please avoid the trap of wanting to read because society expects you to and because if you don’t you’ll start feeling guilty. That is an external motivation and it is not enough to help you start nor sustain a healthy reading culture. The motivation and drive to read must come from ‘a reason why’ which is drawn from within.

Just look at yourself and see if you are satisfied with what and where you are professionally, academically, with your call and in other areas of life. If you’re not, if you want to advance and become more relevant, look at those specific areas and enrich them by reading appropriate books (not just reading for the sake of reading).

If you’re not comfortable with big books, start with small ones. Break up your reading into chapters or pages. Be disciplined and committed enough to pick the most convenient time of the day you want to read and stick to it. Here are useful thoughts from great minds:

“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”

^{- A C Grayling, Financial Times (in a review of A History
of Reading by Alberto Manguel)}

“The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.”

- Abraham Lincoln

“You're the same today as you'll be in five years except for the people you meet and the books you read.”

^{- Charlie "Tremendous" Jones}

“No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.”

^{- Confucius}

“Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.”

^{- Mason Cooley}

“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.”